Resurrections - Lena Raine (from the Celeste OST)
I played Celeste at a time in my life when I had already realized that I was a trans woman but I was still struggling with quite a lot of mental health issues. I mean, to this day I still struggle pretty often, but I remember back then I was going through a really relentless wave of depression and hopelessness. Despite this I was still able to enjoy the game somewhat, but there were definitely moments when I would just burst into tears, not because anything sad was happening in the game but because I felt this deep pain within me that couldn't be soothed.
Celeste is a pretty popular game among trans people, it's similar to The Matrix in that the creator of the game didn't know she was trans as she was working on it, but somehow the story accidentally works pretty well as a metaphor for transition. However I think the metaphor for transition didn't hit me quite as hard as the themes of self-doubt and self-sabotage, that's a big part of why I like this track, the part of the game it plays in resonates with me.
I find that I tend to like more digital/electronic sounding music, and I love anything that is themed around the night, space, and dreams, and that's exactly what this level in the game is: It's a dream sequence that turns into a nightmare, it all takes place at night and there's many magical walls that are filled with stars, the atmosphere is pretty dreamy and beautiful in my opinion, so it really stuck out to me, in fact this level might be my favorite level in the game.
Plus I also tend to like music a lot more when the context attached to it is interesting to me, I find it a lot easier to enjoy a song if it's featured in a videogame or series I like rather than if I just listen to it on its own, there's even a handful of songs I like that I probably wouldn't like as much if they weren't an opening in an anime I enjoyed or played during an emotional scene in a game I like, maybe that's why I like videogame OSTs so much.
The song is divided into segments, as you reach different milestones in the level and you get to different parts the soundtrack shifts, and I think that's another reason I like this track so much, it really feels like it follows the same narrative arch that the level in the game does.
At first it starts pretty calm, you are not explicitly told that this is a dream but there's a pretty big clue at the beginning. You start the level where the previous one ended, next to a plaque that reads:
-- CELESTE MOUNTAIN --
This memorial is dedicated to those
Who perished on the climb
And if you try to read it after the dream sequence has already started the text is all garbled, which tipped me off to the fact this was a dream sequence immediately. Plus the music is really calm and full of reverb, so it really does feel like a dream.
Eventually you come across a mirror that contains what looks like an evil version of you, and she breaks out of the mirror, and that's when the music starts to pick up, it goes from calm to tense and exciting, but it stays within the same tempo and you can tell that this is a continuation of the track, it doesn't feel like a completely different song.
Eventually you get to a part in the track where things calm down a bit again, but in a way that still feels tense and negative, like we're awaiting for something to happen, and that's where the bulk of the narrative content in this level is.
You come across the evil mirror version of yourself and you end up having a conversation where she is telling you that you should simply give up trying to climb Celeste mountain, that it is not in you to be a mountain climber and you need to know your place. The protagonist (Madeline) tries to insist she needs to climb the mountain but this doesn't seem very convincing to her mirror version.
I think this scene resonates with me, not because it can be interpreted as a metaphor for self-doubt in your trans identity, (though it definitely can) but because I tend to back out of things really easily. I constantly tell myself I'm not good enough for this or that and I have this tendency to believe I simply don't have the capacity to achieve whatever I'm trying to accomplish.
The more logical side of me can try to argue that I still want to, or even need to do this for my own good, that I'm capable and strong or that realistically it shouldn't be a big deal, but there's always that mirror version of me telling me:
Sombra, darling, slow down.
I know it's not your strong suit, but be reasonable for once.
You have no idea what you're getting into.
You can't handle this.
Let's go home, together
And I tend to antagonize that part of me, even though I know I shouldn't, in fact that's part of the point of Celeste, that this mirror version of you is not your enemy and she's simply trying to look out for you. Part of improving your mental health is having compassion for yourself and not antagonizing the parts of you that trouble you.
After having this talk with her the song reaches the climax as the mirror version of you starts chasing after you, copying your every move, and you have to do your best to complete the rest of the area without staying still for too long or going back because then you get caught and have to start from the beginning of the room.
I don't know enough about music theory to be able to explain in any depth what the song is doing to convey the emotions it does or how it creates and releases tension, but I remember as I was playing this I was pretty close to crying because it's a pretty direct representation of fighting with yourself, and that's something I've struggled with quite a lot throughout my life.
I like how throughout the whole thing the atmosphere remains dreamy, with lots of reverb and this really nice sounding piano, even when it picks up and starts to get more exciting, and even as the tempo speeds up in the last section. I don't have the words to explain it but this track fits perfectly for this level and it sounds gorgeous to me, it's something I still listen to every now and then, especially when I'm in the mood to get a bit emotional.
And I really like how at the very end when you're able to escape your mirror version and slowly get farther and farther away from her the music starts to fade out into more and more reverb, that's a really nice touch.