How do I know if I'm trans?
(Photo of a stained glass window with the inscription γνῶθι σαυτόν (gnōthi sauton) meaning "know yourself" from Wikimedia commons)
If you've ever questioned your gender (or even if you haven't and you're just curious what I have to say) this post is for you. As a trans woman I found it quite difficult to figure my identity out and I, like many others, wish I could've done it sooner. This is an incredibly personal journey that no one can walk for you, as much as many wish they could. It is scary, and confusing, and full of uncertainty, but I'm here to tell you you are not alone. If my experience and my thoughts can provide even the slightest bit of guidance or clarity then I want to share them.
So I'm going to share a couple of things that I had originally written on tumblr. First, here is one post where I was attempting to encourage people to explore their genders. It was directed at folk who might show signs of being transgender but haven't realized it yet. I feel people like these are often in need of guidance so while the post was directed at no one in particular I was hoping someone who needed to hear it would come across it:
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if you've found yourself wishing you could wear a skirt, wishing you were born a girl, prefering having female avatars and characters in videogames, I'm here to tell you you can just choose to be a girl
you don't need anyone's permission
"but what if I'm not really trans!" don't worry about the label, try out a feminine name, try putting on a skirt or a dress, try she/her pronouns, how do you feel? if these things make you happy you don't need to worry about if you're "really trans" you can just do them
many of us had impostor syndrome starting out, I still had doubts a couple of years after I started identifying as trans, but at some point you realize you're allowed to just have bodily autonomy, you don't need to pass some sort of arbitrary test to do what you want with your gender presentation
this goes in all directions by the way, if you find yourself wishing you were a man, if you wish you were genderless, if you wish you could switch back and forth, etc. just do it!
we only get one life, don't spend it wondering <3
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I think it is also important for me to point out that cisgender people don't typically wish they were a different gender. It might happen, I won't deny the possibility, but it seems exceedingly rare. Similarly having an affinity or interest for things that may be seen as belonging to another gender can be a sign of transness. For example many trans women play as female characters in any game we have the chance, not to ogle at them but because it feels right.
This is why I addressed the post to people who might "wish they were born a girl". Part of what helped me figure things out is realizing I don't need some sort of official recognition that I'm trans in order to do things that make me happy. Going by she/her pronouns, wearing skirts, putting on makeup, etc. Are things that make me happy or comfortable. I don't need 100% certainty that I'm "truly trans" or any official diagnosis for gender dysphoria or anything like that. If you've been wishing or feeling an interest in femininity/masculinity/androgyny/non-conforming presentation you can just do it and worry about the labels later. Plus you can always change your mind if it isn't for you, most things relating to transition are 100% reversible.
And then secondly there was an ask I got on tumblr a few months ago from an anonymous person asking me how I figured out I'm a woman. They were confused about their own gender and wanted some guidance. Here is my response:
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Hi! don't worry I don't think it's awkward at all! sorry it took me a bit to answer, prepare for a few paragraphs haha
So in my case I never had a light-bulb "aha!" moment of realization, it was more of a gradual process of slowly identifying more and more as a woman. Many years ago I started to feel interested in learning more about trans people and just like you I was confused, I had no idea what I was and I kept trying to find some objective way to figure it out.
I felt confused for many reasons, like the fact that I kept hearing about trans people knowing they were trans since their childhoods which wasn't the case for me, or the fact that me thinking "I wish I was a girl" kind of implied I wasn't one (cause when you say "I wish I had some ice cream" it's specifically because you don't have ice cream that you have that want, right? "how could I be a girl if I keep thinking I want to be one?" I thought), or because things like surgeries and injections seemed scary to me while I saw many trans people seek out surgeries and take hormones via injections, etc. So despite a part of me feeling like I was meant to be a girl or that I'd be way happier as one I felt I most likely couldn't be trans.
I eventually met and became close to a trans woman, and talking with her helped me understand some things like the fact that transness is not a monolith, there is no "right" way to be trans, so it's okay if my experience doesn't 100% mirror that of other trans women. Besides a lot of my experiences were not as rare as I initially thought, I've seen a lot of girls who also had the experience of wishing they "were women" before they figured out they were, but even in the cases where I'm different from other trans women I realized that didn't make me less of a woman.
At first I was very hesitant to adopt the label of trans or call myself a woman cause I thought it might be insulting to "real trans people" and "real women" in general, but slowly bit by bit I gave myself permission to try out different things. One day I said in a (progressive) Twitch chat that my pronouns were she/her in a spur of the moment decision, and it felt really good to be referred to that way for the first time, one time I used one of those snapchat filters that "turns you into a girl" and I liked what I saw, one time I designed a sona for myself that was explicitly feminine and not just androgynous and it was my favorite sona I had ever designed. I kept finding so much joy in being able to not only express femininity but also be perceived as a woman by others.
What being trans means is different for each person, for me I eventually figured out I basically view it as the desire to take control of my own gender, exercising bodily autonomy to defy the label of "man" that society wants to force on me, because being at home in my own body brings me joy and I think that's more important than what other people think of me.
I don't know what your journey has been so far but if you're looking for permission or some indication that you're a woman (or non-binary, or anything you're thinking would make you happy) then I wanna tell you you can just be that! If you have any queer friends (even just online) you could ask them to refer to you with different pronouns just to try things out, think of how you would feel if you could look in the mirror and see a cute girl staring back at you, close your eyes and imagine yourself having that experience. If you're in a safe environment where you have the privacy for it you could also try out a bit of makeup, try shaving your whole body, try out a skirt, or a dress, try playing as female avatars in games! Don't spend your life wondering, it's never too late.
And if you want to free to shoot me a message any time! I want to give you support if you need it, or if u have any follow up questions or anything. I think making friends with other trans people can be a very wonderful experience, I think it could help you figure things out and feel less alone in this whole experience, even if you end up deciding you're not trans having trans friends can be wonderful so don't hesitate to reach out!
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I think that more or less encapsulates my experience of figuring out my identity and starting transition. Of course I'd be open to answering questions to help you out if you're questioning things so feel free to shoot me a message.
In the future I will add a couple of links here where maybe some of my trans friends can give their advice and thoughts on how to figure out if you're trans, or maybe I can point to some other resources or posts people have written on the topic. I know things can be scary but know you are not alone.